Free Resources · Communication

Prepare for the conversation
you've been putting off.

Talking with a partner about pain or another sexual difficulty can feel daunting. This worksheet helps you understand what makes the conversation hard, sort through your thoughts, and boil them down to a few clear points and a specific request. You will finish with a one-page conversation card you can save, print, or email to yourself. It takes about 30 to 40 minutes, and you can take breaks.

No email required. Your answers stay on your screen and are not saved or sent anywhere, so keep this page open until you have saved your summary. If you think better on paper, you can work through the questions by hand and use this page as a guide.

This is not meant to be a therapeutic exercise, though it has the potential to bring up powerful emotions. It is strongly recommended that you connect with a mental health professional to help you process any beliefs, values, fears, and insecurities you may become aware of while completing it.
Step 1 of 7

What do you want to talk about?

Start by naming the topic and where things stand. Answer about the partner you want to talk with.

The main topic
Have you and your partner talked about this before?
Step 2 of 7

Name the fear, then question it

Fear about a conversation usually rests on a belief about what the problem means. Naming that belief makes it easier to examine, and to decide whether you actually agree with it.

For example: "If I can't have sex the way I used to, I'm not a good partner," or "My ability to have sex is connected to whether I'm loved."

How strongly do you believe it?

5
0 · Not at all10 · Completely

For example: "I deserve love regardless of what my body can do right now."

How strongly do you believe that right now?

5
0 · Not at all10 · Completely

For example: "They care about how I feel, not just about sex."

How strongly do you believe that about them right now?

5
0 · Not at all10 · Completely
Step 3 of 7

Get it all out

Set the timer and write everything that comes to mind about this issue, in quick bullet points. Don't edit or organize yet. You might include when it started, what you've been told, what you've tried, how it affects you, and what you're afraid of.

10:00
Step 4 of 7

Sort your thoughts into themes

Read back over your list and move each thought under the theme it belongs to. Skip any theme that doesn't fit, and add your own if something is missing.

Example. "It didn't used to hurt" and "I used to enjoy sex" fit under What's happening in my body. "The medication has helped the most" and "I don't like the dilators, but they help" fit under What I've tried. "I've already seen some improvement" fits under What I'm hoping for.
Step 5 of 7

Choose your key points

A few clear points are easier to say, and easier for a partner to take in, than everything at once. Choose up to three themes that matter most for your partner to understand, then say each one simply, in a sentence or two.

Step 6 of 7

Know what you're asking for

Conversations go better when your partner knows what would help. Choose anything that fits, then put your request in your own words.

What would help most from your partner?

For example: "I'd like us to take penetration off the table for now and find other ways to be close."

Plan for their reaction

For example: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break and come back to this tomorrow evening?"

If you're afraid your partner may respond with anger, pressure, or threats, please consider talking with a professional before having this conversation. Support is available:
  • Immediate danger: call 911
  • British Columbia: VictimLinkBC, call or text 1-800-563-0808 (24 hours, 7 days a week)
  • Alberta: Family Violence Info Line, call or text 310-1818 (24 hours, 7 days a week)
Step 7 of 7

Set it up, and get ready

You can't control how your partner responds, but you can set the conversation up to go well.

What conditions would help? Choose any that fit.

For example: "There's something important I've been wanting to talk with you about. It's a bit hard for me to bring up. Is now a good time?"

Check in with yourself

Looking back at the belief you'd rather hold from Step 2, how strongly do you believe it now?

5
0 · Not at all10 · Completely
Your Summary

Your conversation card

Read your card over before the conversation. You don't need to follow it word for word, and it's fine to bring notes with you. The rest of your preparation is below the card.

Keep your results

Download PDF saves your conversation card and preparation notes to your device. Email to Myself opens your own email app with your card ready to send. Either way, nothing passes through this website. Bring your copy to your next session if you would like to practise the conversation.

Want to practise
the conversation?

Bring your conversation card to a session and we can rehearse it together, work through the parts that feel hardest, or plan a joint session with your partner.

Book a Consultation

Developed by Tami-lee Duncan, M.Ed., Registered Psychologist (BC & Alberta). This worksheet is for informational and reflective purposes only and does not constitute a clinical assessment, diagnosis, or treatment recommendation. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider if you have concerns about your physical or mental health. Provided free and may be shared freely with credit.