Pregnancy Loss and Grief: Getting Support
Pregnancy loss, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, termination for medical reasons, or ectopic pregnancy, is one of those experiences that our culture has not yet figured out how to hold very well. There is a painful gap between the magnitude of the loss and the support that tends to be offered.
If you have experienced pregnancy loss, I want to start by saying this: what you are grieving is real, regardless of how early the pregnancy was, regardless of whether other people in your life seem to understand it, and regardless of how your loss compares to anyone else's.
How Common Is Pregnancy Loss?
Miscarriage, defined as pregnancy loss before 20 weeks gestation, is the most common complication of pregnancy. Estimates suggest that between 10% and 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, though the actual rate, accounting for very early losses before a pregnancy is recognized, may be considerably higher (Cohain et al., 2017). Stillbirth, defined as loss after 20 weeks, affects approximately 1 in 160 births in Canada.
These numbers matter because they challenge the narrative that pregnancy loss is rare or unusual. It is not. And yet, despite its prevalence, it remains something many people navigate largely in silence.
The Nature of Grief After Pregnancy Loss
Grief following pregnancy loss does not always follow the patterns of other bereavement. It is often complicated by the absence of the shared social rituals that usually support grief: there may be no service, no shared acknowledgement, no clear community understanding of what has been lost.
Research by Brier (2008) found that the grief responses following miscarriage are clinically comparable to those following other significant losses, with many women meeting criteria for major depressive disorder or prolonged grief disorder in the weeks and months following loss. A study by Gold et al. (2016) found that women who had experienced stillbirth had significantly elevated rates of PTSD symptoms, depression, and anxiety compared to women who had not, and that these symptoms could persist for years without adequate support.
Pregnancy loss can also carry a particular layer of self-blame that is not always present in other forms of grief. The body is the site of the loss, which makes it very easy, and very human, to turn toward self-recrimination. For the vast majority of miscarriages, there is no action or inaction that caused it, and that is worth hearing clearly: most pregnancy loss is not caused by anything the pregnant person did or did not do.
Partner and Relationship Impact
Partners grieve differently, and those differences can create distance in the aftermath of loss. Research by Abboud and Liamputtong (2003) found that men often felt pressure to suppress their own grief in order to support their partner, leading to isolation and unprocessed loss. Simultaneously, many women reported feeling that their partner did not understand the depth of their grief.
The relational dimension of pregnancy loss deserves direct attention. Couples who communicate openly about their grief, and who find ways to honour the loss together even when they are grieving differently, tend to fare better relationally in the aftermath.
When Grief Becomes Something More
Not everyone who experiences pregnancy loss will develop a clinical disorder, and grief itself is not a disorder. But it is important to recognize when grief has moved into territory that warrants professional support. This includes persistent and intense symptoms of depression or anxiety lasting more than a few weeks, intrusive thoughts or flashbacks about the loss, significant functional impairment, or a sense that the grief is not moving at all over time.
Therapeutic approaches that have evidence for complicated grief and perinatal loss include cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), Prolonged Grief Disorder treatment protocols developed by Katherine Shear, and trauma-focused approaches like EMDR for cases where the loss was experienced as traumatic (Shear et al., 2005).
Finding Support in BC
In British Columbia, resources for pregnancy loss include the Perinatal Bereavement Society of BC, which offers peer support and a parent-to-parent line. Some hospitals, including BC Women's Hospital, have bereavement coordinators who can connect families with support following stillbirth or late pregnancy loss. Many registered psychologists and counsellors work specifically in perinatal mental health; the BC Psychological Association's Find a Psychologist directory allows you to search by specialty area.
You do not have to justify your grief or defend its legitimacy. The loss was real. The support exists. You are allowed to use it.
If you are navigating pregnancy loss and looking for psychological support in Victoria, BC or virtually across BC and Alberta, you can learn more about how I approach fertility challenges and perinatal mental health. Where the loss has been experienced as traumatic, EMDR and trauma-focused treatment can be an important part of the work. For couples navigating grief differently and finding that it is creating distance, couples therapy offers a structured space to process the loss together. Get in touch whenever you are ready.
References
Abboud, L. N., & Liamputtong, P. (2003). Pregnancy loss: What it means to women who miscarry and their partners. Social Work in Health Care, 36(3), 37–62.
Brier, N. (2008). Grief following miscarriage: A comprehensive review of the literature. Journal of Women's Health, 17(3), 451–464.
Cohain, J. S., Buxbaum, R. E., & Mankuta, D. (2017). Spontaneous first trimester miscarriage rates per woman among parous women with 1 or more pregnancies of 24 weeks or more. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 17(1), 437.
Gold, K. J., Leon, I., Boggs, M. E., & Sen, A. (2016). Depression and posttraumatic stress symptoms after perinatal loss in a population-based sample. Journal of Women's Health, 25(3), 263–269.
Shear, K., Frank, E., Houck, P. R., & Reynolds, C. F. (2005). Treatment of complicated grief: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 293(21), 2601–2608.
